Anxiety

Anxiety and panic attacks are nothing new to me. Even when I think back to when I was a child, I remember panicking over my mom dying and I would have episodes of me just crying and wanting to be around my mom. I would lay in bed and think…. think so much, too much! I would express to my mom that I could not live without her! I would freak out because I wanted to do something about something that hasn’t even happened. I remember not being picked up one day from school ( and even though we lived pretty close) I ran home in total panic! Out of breath, shaking. I honestly do not even remember what happened when I got home, I just replay me running as fast as I can, alone…. scared OUT OF MY MIND. Then many other things happened in my life that just made me a total panicking freak! Today while getting treatment was one of those days where I was that little kid again scared, afraid, frustrated. I had oxygen on but I felt like my lungs just would not fill up with air. I had Lorazepam and Reiki (which is actually very relaxing). You might ask but why? I have a chronic illness that changed my life completely and no matter how many years you have of being sick… You never fully accept it. Today I was hooked up to the IV, hooked up to oxygen, I have to use a wheelchair to get around and to put the cherry on top my dad/ caregiver was not around to help me. I try to hold back freaking out, but I just realize how trapped I am, how much I depend on so many things! Will I ever be independent? It’s so frustrating! I wanna pull out my IV, I wanna not depend on oxygen, or a mobility device, I don’t wanna be on pills to keep me functioning! Don’t get me wrong I am VERY thankful and BLESSED to have all these things to make my life easier. Having anxiety makes everything so much harder it makes it hard to live. I can never just shut off my brain, there will always be something… something I’m freaking out about.

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